holiday blues

if you have children then you to have seen it happen. the change. the first big change. the reaching out to the outside world and watching with awe and wonder as the small being realizes that things are gotten, not by growing, harvesting, killing, and working on making things, but by buying them. my charming son, often with an eager, “i love you mommy” and a penchant for all things boy: swords, guns, dragons, snakes, spiders, sharks, and all the adorable sound effects that go along with such “eventures” made this developmental leap the other day. he realized that mommy can buy the things he sees in stores and on gradma’s t.v. he now gives me the rundown of all the things he wants me to buy him on the way to town. a dinosaur with wings. a black shirt. a black pair of pants. black boots. a black car. a black house. (bad guys are the dish du jour around these here parts...)

not yet four, but getting closer every day, the developmental leap of the consumer has been made. a store does not go by nor hardly an item now without the attachment need-greed extending itself. i read a calvin and hobbs the other day explaining how our consumeristic society fits the dreams of six year-olds. well, i guess i have seen those seeds planted and sprouting. the idea that you need stuff to make you happy starts early.

but my son is happy without them and quickly forgets all the lists of things that he wants and doesn’t get. and yes i am still a mommy sucker and i do get him a toy in town...but i am drawn to realize how little we as a society have gotten past the toddler stage. why do we seem to live on this visceral i want it, i need it, give it to me level?

in the true fashion of little kids, we want what we want, and if nobody tells us no, then we will just keep on stuffing the toilet with whatever we can find, or buy on credit, because it is fun. and hey, when you are three you don’t have to deal with the flooding or the plumber. and yeah, there might be some noise, and some people will get angry, but you probably won’t see the mess and certainly not the bills. but boy, doesn’t that plastic superhero look cool swirling around the vortex?

how am i any different, succumbing to society’s pressures, when i buy that plastic toy (which i know to be evil from beginning to end) just so that my boy will love me just a bit more for the moment? aren’t we all headed for the toilet if we can’t see the dangers of our lifestyles, let alone change them? is there any reconciliation between my views and how i live? am i destined to be the hypocrite i crave not to be? is there any way to live without internal conflict with external reality? if i focus my mind enough, cant i change reality? can i change myself?

i have. ironically, it is having children that has led me down this path of action. i want a world for them in the future that hasn’t completely gone to shit, yet i want them to be happy now. it is for this happiness that i cannot completely change. me thinks i must try harder to find things for them that don’t compromise my values. me thinks i still have a long way to go.

the evolution of bread waste

the evolution of bread waste

i started out buying bread in a double layer of plastic.

throwing away two bags of plastic almost daily really bothered me so i started making my own bread.

i used packaged flour and butter in the beginning and lined the bread pans with parchment paper.

as i threw away the parchment paper with each creation of bread i was crushed to realize that i was making close to as much trash as buying bread, though this at least wasn’t the horrid plastic kind.

i realized i could keep the parchment paper till it got ripped, several bakings later.

and moved on to getting locally grown and ground flour in bulk.

next i really went the step that many people would probably call too far when i made my own butter from the raw milk i got in my own glass container.

i ran out of parchment paper one day and realized i put plenty of butter in my bread and tried baking them dear loaves without any parchment on a flat pan, not a loaf pan.

to my delight and surprise, they just popped right off the pan!

so now the only trash that is being produced when i bake my bread is the plastic bags that i use to freeze the bread in when done. those i try to reuse as often as possible until they break or my husband throws them out. not perfect, but nearly so, especially when we enjoy my cakey loaves.

not only has my bread gone from good (i still like plenty of store bought brands...) to absolutely delectable, but my families’ nutrition is greatly advanced by my culinary offerings, and i do create nearly zero garbage in my food production. however, i do have to spend a good 5 hours (at least) every two weeks making my 4 loaves. it is time well spent. i get a good workout kneading the dough too and i know that i am hardly producing any waste. my family jokes that i have gone off the deep end, but still they love the food... i feel so lucky that i can afford the time to spend doing this. truly though, it is a shame that in our fast paced, churn it up and spit it out society, it is actually a luxury to have the time to make my own food.

progress report

when i write this i feel like i am writing a progress report. and if i am not progressing, i feel i have nothing to say. after all, if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. but there is so much to think about in this crazy mixed up world. my main issue is my feeling of powerlessness. i was hoping that this message in a bottle was going to hit some shores and i was going to hear from others trying to achieve a zero garbage lifestyle, or a more naturally oriented one. and the truth is that my focus has helped me find others that are as passionate about living closer to nature and less consumer oriented. let’s just leave it at that...

so, progress report:

my failures: buying meat, cheese, and crackers. and going to the movies. at the movie last night, i tried to be environmentally conscious, making a fool out of myself telling my daughter she could drink from the fountain, repeatedly, apparently to her utter disbelief. so then, after we sit down, my sister goes back to the counter and gets no less than 3 Styrofoam cups for convenient water consumption. which of course, we never even use... so then i finally went to the car and finally got out my aluminum water bottle (man i can be slowww...). a fiasco for sure. then i thought i had left it there... but at least that wasn’t true. i just forgot to refill it and return it to its rightful place, my car. really, my failure list extends, far, but i will hide the rest for now...

my successes: my dairy department is developing. i have now made ricotta cheese, mozzarella cheese, cream cheese, sour cream, yogurt, butter, chocolate pudding, quiche, and my own milk... well i have been doing that for years now... but it never made anything other than more content people... i have a cheese book and am seriously contemplating getting a cheese press. though i might share one with my friend first. next, my goat is going to try to get pregnant... and then i really will be “producing” my own milk, at least the kind i can cook with and not just calm an overtired boy with.

my thoughts have been leading thusly: i am driving. i drive to prevent waste so that i can buy this or that in bulk. i drive to the bridge and take a magnificent walk across the hudson. my daughter has a birthday and wants candy. my son wins tickets at the arcade and wins plastic wrapped candy. certainly i should say no to some of those things? i look around and even in my own family, our consumption, though slightly slowing, is not really diminishing. i want to do natural dyeing. i need to buy mordants. nice exotic natural dyes come nicely packaged in plastic. my cheese book came in plastic bubble wrap. a new laptop? birthday presents? to live these days means to make waste, often of the indelible plastic poison type. to achieve zero waste means to completely change our lifestyle, our society.

i would love to see the sea of change that has to be happening, the move to alternative fuels, the move to zero garbage. but the changes are so incremental, i fear that real drastic economic collapse is the only way people are going to change. we aren’t going to change unless forced to. i know that even for my efforts, i am only slowly inching towards getting in tighter with mother nature and reducing waste. otherwise i am still caught up in a society that is going to condemn me if i don’t get these goodies for my kids (not to mention my kids themselves...). if i were a fundamentalist, i would have to limit my own exploration in my science, art, and culinary worlds. not to mention my kids joy and our own mobility. (or maybe that is the problem?)

i perceive that i am blocking truly changing my world view. real change will begin with a change of perception, values, and orientation towards things.

i guess it is two inches forward and one back. conscious, aware, trying.... just a beginning

mad mom

today i am not the softie, the fantasy filled mom flying around the room in her imaginary cape and wand. today i made ricotta cheese and i am high. actually i am probably just feeling my chocolate and coffee in combination with my miraculously sleeping kids, while alas, i am not cleaning or cooking or asleep myself.

i am thankful that i have found motivation to live the slow food life. (next, fresh pasta to go with the fresh ricotta.) attempting to avoid the evil plastic drives me to be more creative. i just wish that i didn’t feel so strongly when plastic tubs or wrappings enter our lives, because, of course, there is no avoiding them. well there is, but i am not so severe, strict, or disciplined to say no to chinese food takeout when we pass by and my kids are hungry, or my mother-in-law kindly offers chicken soup for my flu-besieged hubby (and she certainly isn’t making it herself...). no to lollipops or cheese i can't yet make myself (i haven't made it that far yet) and sadly, the list goes on. so many times a day, it seems, i touch the devil's resin.

now many must think i am crazy and here is the sort of rant that my humor was hiding before:

according to Elizabeth Royte’s, Garbage Land, plastic is “toxic both to make and to dispose of. on the front end, says the EPA, the production of plastic emits the toxins tichloroethane, acetone, methylene chloride, methyl ethyl ketone, styrene, toluene, and I, I, I trichlorethane, as well as sulfur oxides, nitrous oxides, methanol, ethylene oxide, and volatile organic compounds. plastic manufacturers use copious quantities of benzene and vnyl chloride, which are known to cause cancer in humans. ingesting other ingredients of plastic production can lead to birth defects and damage the nervous system, blood, kidneys, and immune system. many of these chemicals are gases and liquid hydrocarbons that readily vaporize and pollute the air; many can cause damage to ecosystems. in an EPA ranking of the twenty chemicals whose production generates the most total hazardous waste, five of the top six are chemicals commonly used by the plastics industry. not surprisingly, plastic resin factories tend to be clustered in low-income communities of color (mostly in the Gulf States, which have easier access to gas lines). OHSA health studies have shown that people who work in and live near plants that manufacture plastics and the chemicals used to make them experience higher incidences of some kinds of cancer than other populations.” pp.190-191.

wowowowowow ow ow ow ow.......

it is rare that reading something changes my life anymore. there is so much wrong with the world, and i have felt that am contributing to it all by continuing to live without serious protest, without words against it all, but worse, without action. so much of it i feel is bigger than me. but the evil of plastic i touch and feel all the time. and it gives me the creeps. every time i throw a plastic wrapping away i think of the growing sea of plastic in the pacific ocean, or the time bombs of landfills that my waste will be going to. for there is no good end of plastic; it can’t be food for anything. toxic to make and toxic to waste. why is it ok to make it? because people make money from it? (the creed of the 80's, greed is good, plasticizes the world) are people amenable because more products can be sold ever more “safely?” ironically, we seem to need ever smaller packages to counter our "super-sized" world. in our quest for an ever more perfect world we will find immortality in our plastic embalmed world. me thinks for halloween i should be the world covered in plastic. hmmmmm ..... maybe next time i will be in the mood to joke about it.

a note to my readers: as i said, it is rare that i read something and it changes my life. i don’t think that i would have taken all this to heart for so long (and this is only the beginning) if it wasn’t for actually writing about doing it, because my intention to try to reduce my contribution to plastic proliferation would probably have faded with so many other grand ideas if it weren't for actually writing this blog and knowing, dear reader, that there is at least another human being out there reading this. You help to give me the power to drudge on...

eco-warrior on the loose

what does it mean to be an eco-warrior? i will tell you. i wake up every day in the middle of the night. i stealthily slip out of my organic, hypo-allergenic bed, past my sleeping pile of homeschooling family bed, to don my felted wool mask and union made in the us, cotton cape. sliding down my responsibly harvested wood stair railing, i flip into my fluorescent lit kitchen to hatch a few eggs, i mean lay them, no, i mean to make yogurt, or is it granola this time? or maybe decadent chocolate pudding... hmmm. yes that is what i should be doing now.

i quickly whisk all that together while humming no, not kumbaya, but, what’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding. all the while radiating the white light of aforementioned elvis costello’s (or nick lowe’s if you want to get picky http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7txCdLCP9U )... i might as well be doing this with my feet as my hands mend old blankets and my brain plots new projects for the other bodies i have brewing in the basement.

so, perhaps you have figured out by now that this all is not an accurate representation of how i actually live. well, ha, i have you beat. i am dreaming!

living purposefully (trying to reduce our waste and rid my family’s life of plastic) is great, thinking that there are many others out there that are nearly as interested as i am is, well, nearly as realistic as actually being able to live as though i can do this thing. that is, living as though i am alone when i am actually the mother (read responsible for their happiness) of two minors and a husband. but still i dream, and work.

my next project: eliminating the tea bags. that requires researching where i can get the bulk products i want and building an infrastructure of tea buddies. i guess the nature of tea parties keeps changing.

balancing change

i haven’t written in over a week now. i am having trouble with my cause, my religion, my commitment. i refuse to say that it is wavering, rather that i need to find balance in my life. balance is key. unfortunately, as we all know, passionate people are rarely balanced.

so, do i want to be balanced, or imbalanced? i do have passion for living cleaner, for knowing i am doing the best that i can to reduce the waste that my family produces, for trying, oh dear, trying to live without the sin of plastic. or do i want a happy family? (a false dichotomy, i know, but many times the heads do butt).

my gains: my kitchen is now filled with mason jars that have been bulk purchased thus creating 0 packaging waste. i have been connecting more with people who are excited about living similarly (yay!). this week i made my own seitan, pumpkin pudding from scratch, made more granola, bread, and finished my first small bag- sewn from found fabric. the most exciting development is that i have gotten my gas mileage up to 46+ miles/gallon!

how do you do that you ask... well, i drive a honda civic hybrid and have been disappointed with my mileage, i have only been getting about 42. and then, this past week, i had a revelation. i changed my driving habits. i realized that it was more important for me to save gas, because gas, (plastic’s parent) is evil and has caused major environmental and sentient damage... so i started driving a little slower. and my gas mileage started to go up. when we took a longer trip, i set the cruise control on 58 (yes, this was on the thruway and others were hating us, but they managed to simply pass us). it seems living in an environmentally sensitive manner is merely considered a speed impediment to many. it did seem so on the road....

which makes me think of this week’s mantra: change. all this effort to reduce waste is all about changing behavior. how do i affect my world? can i do anything more powerfully than live the example i am trying to set? well yes, but it has to begin with living the reality, walking the walk,... and then i can join with others. but truly, living it is the best aphrodisiac, (opps, that belongs on another post...) really, it is exciting to begin to see some change.

in the latest issue of The Sun magazine, there is an interview with Janine Benyus. she is a biologist whose specialty is biomimicry. in the article she talks about our relationship to nature and explains how we are moving from an immature view of nature where we just extract what we need and move on, to one that has set down roots, needs to become more efficient, and “develop cooperative relationships....Now we are .... in a crowded world with limited resources. Our strategies have to shift. We have nowhere else to go.” this made an impression on me because this week the world seemed to whisper to me, “it’s all about changing behavior...” , “it’s all about changing behavior....” but i like the sound of “shifting” better, because it implies a softer, subtler movement, one that doesn’t require as much effort as change- earth shattering, mind altering, brain splattering, heart palpitating CHANGE....

writing helps me realize that i am getting somewhere. i know that my recycling bins are not filling up so awfully fast. my fuel intake is going down. all good stuff. but making that paradigm shift where prioritizing the sacredness of resources over the fun and tastiness of now... at times it seems herculean, but i see a SHIFT has begun. altering behavior needs to be done in increments. at least that is the only way i seem to be able to manage change without getting completely imbalanced and turning into some kind of right wing talk show host.

the spinning wheel

last i wrote i was supposed to be getting on my sewing horse and flying. well it ended up that the week brought with it a lyme attack on my husband and daughter, of which we were hoping the antibiotics were finally working their devious magic. and a bizarre awareness alighted upon me: i hadn’t ever worked my sewing machine before.

thusly i bravely started down two divergent paths at the same time: reresearching lyme and caring for their symptoms while learning how to use my forty year old sewing machine. attempting this subatomic particle-like maneuver, i discovered that in my earlier efforts not to waste food and can, can, can, i had ignored my files which were now overflowing and the laundry was towering towards the ceiling, threateningly. forget actually taking care of the dogs, cat, goat, chickens, oh and yes did i mention that i have two kids and a husband? occasionally they might require some attention as well. so it is that over a week has passed an i have missed my self-imposed deadline for sewing my bag and thus for writing. i hang my head in shame.

so i have been frustrated this week. i didn’t finish the project i wanted and feel the need for support for this effort in living righteously. i joke not only because i find religion hokey, but because despite that, i find respecting my environment has become my religion, it informs my art. it gives me form and function, something to laugh and live about.

often it seems, especially with so many serious issues out there such as insane people fighting not to have health care reform ( i digress- having been convinced, now that we have a black president, that all things the government touches is bad and destined to control our lives. but seriously folks, doesn’t your health insurance carriers decide what they will cover or not now? i know, we have the lyme to put the bill in our hands. our bills are sky high, and empire, seemingly randomly pays some but not others. ) but i digress some more...

so there are real other issues out there. many seeming even more pressing than living the way we should. our culture has gone so far astray that trying to live a sustainable lifestyle, one without poisons, plastics and a consuming passion- seems like a pipe dream. seems impossible. you have to live outside the loop, in a bubble, isolated from all. it makes trying to live, and yes i am finally going to say it, living the right way, feel like naval gazing.

so i finally i do it, i ask for support. anyone out there in the same boat? anyone trying and getting frustrated? or just trying and would like company? maybe right now it is just naval gazing. but the truth is that it is the culture of the mass consuming society is what got us into so many problems. if we were able to live sustainably by demanding accountability from the manufacturers to create goods that are not toxic and are reusable made by people with fair wages, how much more peace would there be in to the world? how much cleaner would our air and water be? if we were not oil dependent, how many wars would be diverted? if the health of the people and the planet were held in higher esteem than that of profits, wouldn’t we have more time to focus on being able to get along together?

taking responsibility for the way we live is really taking the bull by the horns. you get tossed about and bruised. and there is a lot of bull out there, let me tell you. i tell myself, it is the only way.