a digression and explanation of my lack of capitals

why I don’t use caps or e. e. cummings and me

this is funny, as i write this, my computer automatically corrects me (caps my i’s and beginning of sentences). usually when i use word i am happy that it will do all this work for me. but now i will have to go back and fix all of these mistakes. you see, when i don’t use this program and i write the old-fashioned way, with a pencil and paper, i don’t use caps. when i email, or write directly onto something like this blog, i don’t use caps. why?

well, it all started back when i was a kid and i was introduced to the idea of democracy, an egalitarian society, one in which everyone is equal. i fell In love with the idea. then i noticed something interesting in our language use. mainly that I, I, I, seem to be so much more important than you, of course also, me. which is quite funny because logically, why should I be honored with caps but not me? because I am the subject and me is the object? is it all really all about me? (stoke the ego, stoke the ego, build up steam, power the I) hmm, that sounds egotistic, selfish, indivdualistic. it also seems so patriarchal, and visually is rather phallic as well. why shouldn’t i honor my subjective self with special caps, an attention getting, grown-up capital letter? it is simple. i do not identify with the I- the artifice of the capital empowers the subject, it elevates the individual who is talking over the ones He is talking to. just as standard english is gender biased, it is also speaker heavy. i do not believe that i am any better, any grander, deserving of any more attention than you or them, he, us, we, or she.... you see, my identity is precious, but it is still just a name, just me, just another i, like so many other i's out there...

janet or job, bob, or bill, rachel or susan or rose. a name is still just a name. i believe we all are equal, well in theory anyway. my title and name is not so special. i will pass on; my essence IS no greater than animated dirt. the I is a false elation of the ego; the I is an artifice to extol my power. on depressed days i might just grasp at that dollop of grandure.

the details of our language choices do count for something. we send messages with, not just our word choices, but the format we choose, the font we choose, and the use or misuse of punctuation. it all tells a story. as an english teacher i had a hard time teaching grammar because it really is superfluous. it really tells, more than anything, how much the writer accepts the rules of society (or at least appears to). so do i reject the rules of society? (apparently). are appearances crucial, or misleading? a false dichotomy or a conflicting reality? a koan or a power play? frivilous or substantial? or just a dance between the writer and the reader?

why do we have caps at the beginning of sentences? i do not necessarily want the emphasis to be at the beginning of every sentence. a period seems strong enough to me. eradicating the period has occured to me, but i don’t want my readers to work so hard at deciphering what i have to say that they have to ferret out their own sentences. (though I might if i were writing poetry.) i still like the cohesiveness of thought constrained to a unit. i will not deconstruct so much that the pieces need to be puzzled back together on such a minute level. not too much, not yet, anyway.

so, in the email world of the younger generation, this probably seems silly. caps? why think about it? who evn nds whle wrds? do u? i fear i am conservative and old school. but still, my point is not convenience, as is the shorthand of a multitasking plugged-in youth, but the political point of equality and poetry. if i were not so confined by the space of the page, or were so inclined, i could with the computer really work this into visual art. that point i have yet to get to. but to simply not give the power of the cap to any words but those that i chose, that is taking some punch from predesigned rules and making them my own.

so really i am saying i am no better than anyone else, yet i draw power from that.

interesting compelling action Artifice

today i feel like i am spitting into the wind. my daughter came home from shopping for camp and school with untold number of plastic bags, a plastic container of leftover salad, a plastic cup of leftover mocha. i enjoyed seeing that at least the cup was #1 pet and recyclable, but cups are not accepted in our recycling center anyway. i saved the bags, washed out the containers and put them in the recycling bin, even though i am not sure they are recyclable and tried to reclaim the power i felt when i was conversing with my dad the day before:

"there is a new technology that allows you to put all your garbage into one machine and everything but the plastic is burned or somehow spit out and plastic building materials can be manufactured."

"yes, but the problem is that these plastics are degraded, the polymers shortened and their life span ends with the construction materials. once the building is no longer used, then the plastic has to go into the landfill. and plastic is just so evil; it shouldn't be used at all."

talking to my father always brings out the fighter in me. in truth it is he that has brought me to this point. i continue knowing that my argument isn't all that strong. there is a point to being able to make something concrete with the garbage.

"look, i know that people aren't going to stop using plastic. i don't even know how i am going to. i just know that it is wrong and the production of it is poisonous, the use of it is generally fleeting, the lifespan in a landfill nearly immortal, and its slow demise and disintegration poisonous as well. just look at what is happening to the oceans. all the garbage that has been and is being dumped and the plastic degrades and attracts oil based poisons and becomes food sized poison pellets floating around the ocean."http://www.good.is/post/transparency-the-great-pacific-garbage-patch/

i take a breath and look at my father's face, "that becomes food for the fish, that eat each other and eventually become food for us. our immune systems will just eventually break down."

he nods in agreement, eyes slightly glazing over. my mother comes into the room, "so you are advocating boycotting plastic?"

" i don't expect people to stop using plastic anytime soon. it is too much a part of the system we live in. but buying plastic is something that i do that i know is wrong. it is something i can grasp and battle with. not buying plastic is the right thing to and it makes me feel strong to make a stand. "

i felt the power of one in me. i am doing this. i am influencing my family. i am following my passion. i am doing the right thing. then today came, and the long string of polymers that hold us together through the legacy of the disposable society feels strangling and inglorious. i tried going to the supermarket to buy dinner sans plastic. i realized i needed to start making my own cheese and butchering my own meat. (i do buy meat that is grass fed and free ranged, but it is packaged in plastic!) now i have to change my source. am i ready for this? man, this really takes conviction. next, i need some cheese making materials.