living in the lyme light

the new year started out powerfully for me. i had a strong sense of purpose, strength and power in direction. i will reduce my families waste and live a more environmentally friendly lifestyle.

here we are almost a full half a year from then and i feel so far away from that power. it is true that last time i did recycling i had almost no plastic and our recycling often out paces our throwaways. i suppose i should check that off on my list. and of course the diva cup is so cool!

but life is strange and takes twists and turns to teach us about our own futility and nature’s awesome powers. to make a long story short, lyme disease and it’s co-infections have ravaged half my family for many years. after recognizing this about two and half years ago, my daughter and husband went on various strains of antibiotics and supplements. my husband seems to have come out the other end feeling mostly well, better than he has for years. my daughter on the other hand, has not seen much benefits from the drug treatments.

about a month ago, we went off the antibiotics and went in search of alternative therapies. it was a revelation. my feelings were that i had relinquished my responsibility for my daughter’s health to the drug companies. no wonder they own america, it is such a wonderful idea to take a pill and be better. unfortunately, for our lazy ass selves, this is usually not what is needed.

so really, i feel blessed with this new development because it has opened my mind and life in new ways. now i am researching and learning about how to optimize the health of my daughter, and everyone else while we are at it, through diet, supplements and electronic healing (more about that later).

for starters, we are working on streamlining her diet so that she eats exceptionally healthy. well, this means that everyone has to do the same because we all can’t be eating junk while she has to eliminate the sugar and simple carbs and other wonderful tasting items (remember my suffering over whether or not to buy her the “good things” in life that come in bags?). well, it ends up that those things are poison for her anyway! so it does all work out in the end, sometimes. well it would if i were to stop here.

but i cant.

remember all that yummy bread that i used to make? yummy, but not really the healthiest for us! so it was good that i stopped making it! but now i should learn how to make sprouted grain bread. anyone have any good recipes?

here is another example of how this all is such an interesting experience: we all pretty much quit eating bread and had minimal if any pasta for weeks in solidarity with alex. then she went away for the weekend (doing much better, thank you). so my hubby and i pigged out on pasta. guess what? we both got sick! seems as though we are both gluten sensitive as well!

my point is that i feel i have moved on. my focus has shifted. but really, now that i think about it, all is connected and i need to expand to care not only about the waste produced, but the quality of stuff coming into our lives, especially food. consciousness needs expanding. all is connected. everyone please join me in my new mantra, yom.

mobius trip

how do you weigh driving 30 min. to get food in bulk as opposed to in plastic containers? hmm, is there a formula for comparing the evils of plastic vs. gas?

is it good not getting your kids plastic toys that everyone else is while taking “free” or recycled plastic? then giving in and getting some because they are of a better “quality” resin, (and he really likes them?)

how do you weigh not getting your sick daughter food that she likes, but is crappy and comes in plastic containers? how sick is she, you ask. well, sick enough to make me feel uncomfortable.

let me tell you, the sickness thing really blows the whole environmental eco-warrior thing way out in the water. it confounds me because i feel the question is: what are my values, what are my priorities? and i get the nagging sensation that my priorities are not in their right places.

i wanted to honor the earth, the source for all life, respect the nature of things, the energy and effort that goes into all the food and materials that we so casually take advantage of. but i also need to honor my daughter and show her that i love her and care for her needs and her desires.

yes, i have slipped in many ways. i have a hard time denying my girl the things she considers the “good things in life” when my effort seems only to serve my own need not to pollute but is having no real effect on anyone else, let alone the environment. i have begun to feel selfish about my commitment to creating less garbage!

i feel like i am being sucked into a bad 80’s political argument. do you respect the trees or the jobs and the lumberjacks. remember the spotted owl?

i realize now how this is the same straw dog argument. both the forest and the lumberjacks and the owls can be saved. in fact, if you clear-cut, what trees are left for next time? sustainability is the mantra now. how can that idea work for me and my family?

i think that i need to take more control. the lifestyle that i am championing is hard, but ultimately is the best for all of us. but none of us really like our hard lessons.

i can hardly do all of it, in fact, the bread making has really slipped lately. and i often eat out, or worse take out.

i am twisted like a mobius strip. one side is sustainable effort and the other is throwing caution to the wind trying to survive to tomorrow, trying to enjoy today.

it is a baaad culture that makes for a seeming direct conflict between surviving today and long term survival. sense us not here now.

riding the diva

the ebb and flow of life has swept me away from writing for a while. i am gratified to find that some people actually missed my writing and to you i dedicate this work

change is a constant, yet conscious change is difficult. i have come across many blockages in my eco-warrior attempts. some i like to blame on my family who, quite naturally want what they want and don’t really give a rat’s ass that their chips come in a plastic bag.

that is hard to butt up against on a daily basis and not give in to unless i want to spend all my time in the kitchen, or be the queen bitch.( but that is not the point, but quite the potential article.) the point is to find the ways that i am moving forward. and i feel i am. my world view is evolving and my life moving in a way that i feel i am becoming more representative of what i want to become.

that sounds wierd. but really, how do you grow and change? first you get the idea and then you try to implement it. but as a human, i find i need to do it piece by piece. not a big jump in the hole.... just to go argghhhh, and splat.

so, my big development this past month or so was buying a diva cup. for those of you that don’t know, a diva cup is a menstrual cup. i really hated throwing away all those disgusting “feminine hygiene” products. our womyn’s time of the month is a sacred time, sometimes a difficult and intense time. to compound that with throwing away this product of our body, our blood, in fast food like containers...so that not even the worms can get at it is just plain gross.

not only do i get crampy, crappy, and cranky when i get my cycle, but my sensitivities are heightened by my connection to the bloody earth. in short, i was particularly disgusted by the deluge of bloody garbage. my precious bodily fluids should go into the ground nourishing her, should not be wrapped in chlorinated paper and encased in multiple layers of plastic.

but it took me a long time to get up the nerve and also, the money to buy a diva cup (tm). and i feel as though i have taken a real leap in the right direction. sure, it is a bit messy, a bit funky to insert, take out, dump and wash. but i don’t remember a time that having my period wasn’t messy. it feels sooooooooooooooo good to not throw all that stuff away and away. (and not to have to carry all those tampons and pads around.)

why did it take me years to try this? money is one answer and it is part of what the problem is. in order to do the right thing often, it costs more to start with. with the diva cup, i invested $30 and don’t have to spend $10 or more a month on pads and tampons. that only takes 3 months to start to get a return on my investment. there is so much in our lives that is like that. spend more time planning and preparing, spend more for the future instead of just going with the flow...

stringing myself along

i had an image today. making food and feeding the fairy folk, for lack of a better term. seeing the unending recession of being in the making of something. crafting is weaving the threads of light that feed the beings that exist in a parallel/ alternate/ diagonal reality. they are dependent upon us for flourishing but not for existing. things can be better or worse, for them as well as for us. every time we stop an make a new, ferment reality and feed ourselves well we also feed that which feeds us, the wee folk that live beyond our vision, the ones that understand subatomic particle physics. the ones that are subatomic physics. we must learn to communicate with them, play with them and make them offerings. that is what i am doing with my food. that is the unknowable that makes a better world. namatase.

holiday blues

if you have children then you to have seen it happen. the change. the first big change. the reaching out to the outside world and watching with awe and wonder as the small being realizes that things are gotten, not by growing, harvesting, killing, and working on making things, but by buying them. my charming son, often with an eager, “i love you mommy” and a penchant for all things boy: swords, guns, dragons, snakes, spiders, sharks, and all the adorable sound effects that go along with such “eventures” made this developmental leap the other day. he realized that mommy can buy the things he sees in stores and on gradma’s t.v. he now gives me the rundown of all the things he wants me to buy him on the way to town. a dinosaur with wings. a black shirt. a black pair of pants. black boots. a black car. a black house. (bad guys are the dish du jour around these here parts...)

not yet four, but getting closer every day, the developmental leap of the consumer has been made. a store does not go by nor hardly an item now without the attachment need-greed extending itself. i read a calvin and hobbs the other day explaining how our consumeristic society fits the dreams of six year-olds. well, i guess i have seen those seeds planted and sprouting. the idea that you need stuff to make you happy starts early.

but my son is happy without them and quickly forgets all the lists of things that he wants and doesn’t get. and yes i am still a mommy sucker and i do get him a toy in town...but i am drawn to realize how little we as a society have gotten past the toddler stage. why do we seem to live on this visceral i want it, i need it, give it to me level?

in the true fashion of little kids, we want what we want, and if nobody tells us no, then we will just keep on stuffing the toilet with whatever we can find, or buy on credit, because it is fun. and hey, when you are three you don’t have to deal with the flooding or the plumber. and yeah, there might be some noise, and some people will get angry, but you probably won’t see the mess and certainly not the bills. but boy, doesn’t that plastic superhero look cool swirling around the vortex?

how am i any different, succumbing to society’s pressures, when i buy that plastic toy (which i know to be evil from beginning to end) just so that my boy will love me just a bit more for the moment? aren’t we all headed for the toilet if we can’t see the dangers of our lifestyles, let alone change them? is there any reconciliation between my views and how i live? am i destined to be the hypocrite i crave not to be? is there any way to live without internal conflict with external reality? if i focus my mind enough, cant i change reality? can i change myself?

i have. ironically, it is having children that has led me down this path of action. i want a world for them in the future that hasn’t completely gone to shit, yet i want them to be happy now. it is for this happiness that i cannot completely change. me thinks i must try harder to find things for them that don’t compromise my values. me thinks i still have a long way to go.

the evolution of bread waste

the evolution of bread waste

i started out buying bread in a double layer of plastic.

throwing away two bags of plastic almost daily really bothered me so i started making my own bread.

i used packaged flour and butter in the beginning and lined the bread pans with parchment paper.

as i threw away the parchment paper with each creation of bread i was crushed to realize that i was making close to as much trash as buying bread, though this at least wasn’t the horrid plastic kind.

i realized i could keep the parchment paper till it got ripped, several bakings later.

and moved on to getting locally grown and ground flour in bulk.

next i really went the step that many people would probably call too far when i made my own butter from the raw milk i got in my own glass container.

i ran out of parchment paper one day and realized i put plenty of butter in my bread and tried baking them dear loaves without any parchment on a flat pan, not a loaf pan.

to my delight and surprise, they just popped right off the pan!

so now the only trash that is being produced when i bake my bread is the plastic bags that i use to freeze the bread in when done. those i try to reuse as often as possible until they break or my husband throws them out. not perfect, but nearly so, especially when we enjoy my cakey loaves.

not only has my bread gone from good (i still like plenty of store bought brands...) to absolutely delectable, but my families’ nutrition is greatly advanced by my culinary offerings, and i do create nearly zero garbage in my food production. however, i do have to spend a good 5 hours (at least) every two weeks making my 4 loaves. it is time well spent. i get a good workout kneading the dough too and i know that i am hardly producing any waste. my family jokes that i have gone off the deep end, but still they love the food... i feel so lucky that i can afford the time to spend doing this. truly though, it is a shame that in our fast paced, churn it up and spit it out society, it is actually a luxury to have the time to make my own food.

progress report

when i write this i feel like i am writing a progress report. and if i am not progressing, i feel i have nothing to say. after all, if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. but there is so much to think about in this crazy mixed up world. my main issue is my feeling of powerlessness. i was hoping that this message in a bottle was going to hit some shores and i was going to hear from others trying to achieve a zero garbage lifestyle, or a more naturally oriented one. and the truth is that my focus has helped me find others that are as passionate about living closer to nature and less consumer oriented. let’s just leave it at that...

so, progress report:

my failures: buying meat, cheese, and crackers. and going to the movies. at the movie last night, i tried to be environmentally conscious, making a fool out of myself telling my daughter she could drink from the fountain, repeatedly, apparently to her utter disbelief. so then, after we sit down, my sister goes back to the counter and gets no less than 3 Styrofoam cups for convenient water consumption. which of course, we never even use... so then i finally went to the car and finally got out my aluminum water bottle (man i can be slowww...). a fiasco for sure. then i thought i had left it there... but at least that wasn’t true. i just forgot to refill it and return it to its rightful place, my car. really, my failure list extends, far, but i will hide the rest for now...

my successes: my dairy department is developing. i have now made ricotta cheese, mozzarella cheese, cream cheese, sour cream, yogurt, butter, chocolate pudding, quiche, and my own milk... well i have been doing that for years now... but it never made anything other than more content people... i have a cheese book and am seriously contemplating getting a cheese press. though i might share one with my friend first. next, my goat is going to try to get pregnant... and then i really will be “producing” my own milk, at least the kind i can cook with and not just calm an overtired boy with.

my thoughts have been leading thusly: i am driving. i drive to prevent waste so that i can buy this or that in bulk. i drive to the bridge and take a magnificent walk across the hudson. my daughter has a birthday and wants candy. my son wins tickets at the arcade and wins plastic wrapped candy. certainly i should say no to some of those things? i look around and even in my own family, our consumption, though slightly slowing, is not really diminishing. i want to do natural dyeing. i need to buy mordants. nice exotic natural dyes come nicely packaged in plastic. my cheese book came in plastic bubble wrap. a new laptop? birthday presents? to live these days means to make waste, often of the indelible plastic poison type. to achieve zero waste means to completely change our lifestyle, our society.

i would love to see the sea of change that has to be happening, the move to alternative fuels, the move to zero garbage. but the changes are so incremental, i fear that real drastic economic collapse is the only way people are going to change. we aren’t going to change unless forced to. i know that even for my efforts, i am only slowly inching towards getting in tighter with mother nature and reducing waste. otherwise i am still caught up in a society that is going to condemn me if i don’t get these goodies for my kids (not to mention my kids themselves...). if i were a fundamentalist, i would have to limit my own exploration in my science, art, and culinary worlds. not to mention my kids joy and our own mobility. (or maybe that is the problem?)

i perceive that i am blocking truly changing my world view. real change will begin with a change of perception, values, and orientation towards things.

i guess it is two inches forward and one back. conscious, aware, trying.... just a beginning